Animals

I am an animal fanatic.  Not in that yucky, kinky, give momma kisses way either!  I just love all types of animals and for the most part they enjoy my company.  I’ve only run into a handful of animals that I couldn’t have anything to do with.  One of those is my moms dog, who is a complete nutjob.  I have a passel of animals at my house and have pretty much always had something scaled/finned/furred/feathered in my home.  I’m going to make a few introductions for you.

Tick & Tock were great little cockatiels.  You’d open their cage and they’d hop out onto your shoulder.  They would circle your plate as you ate and take little tidbits.  They loved scrambled eggs, chicken, fruit and greenbeans.  One day we noticed Tick and Tock were getting it on.  It was amusing at first.  All this whistling and posturing and tail feather shaking.  Then it became embarrassing because they just didn’t care who was in the room.   We told the kids they were wrestling and the kids started asking why they wrestled so much.  One day I got up and went to snag their water dish and food dish and saw Tick on the bottom of the cage.  Tick was dead.  He had died sometime during the night.  I reached in and picked him up and his little head fell limply to the side.  He died of a broken neck.  I like to think that he died in some horribly kinky mating ritual gone wrong.  Tock grew restless and depressed without her little friend so we went out and got her a buddy, Sunny.  She fuckin hated Sunny with a passion.   They couldn’t be in the same room together much less the same cage.  They got shuttled off to seperate rooms and we spent time with both.  Only Tock had grown to distrust us.  She wouldn’t come out of her cage, she would throw her wings out and hiss if you reached in.  So, I called my mom and asked her if she wanted Tock.  I thought maybe a new person and change of scenery would do her good.  Mom took in Tock and Tock lived for another six years before she too passed.  Sunny still lives with us.  She hates me and loves my husband.  I think she thinks he’s her boyfriend.  She will posture next to the side of the cage and shake her little tail feathers at him.  He leaves the room and she starts calling for him.  When she is out of the cage she is next to him, on him, flying after him.  I find it amusing, it drives him insane.

It’s all fun and games until…

Growing up we all heard that phrase from our mothers and usually it ended with ‘until someone loses an eye.’  Run with scissors, “It’s all fun and games until you fall and stab yourself.”  Run with a pencil in your hand, “It’s all fun and games until you fall and poke yourself.”  I don’t know about anyone else but whenever it was said to me I never pictured the worst case scenario.  If I ran with scissors and that was yelled out to me I always had visions of a scrape on the leg.  If it was a pencil and I fell there would be a huge pencil mark on my leg. Never was a rolling around on the floor in pain as my lifeblood spewed from my body.  So, when I had kids I decided to step it up a notch.

It all started innocently enough with the whole look both ways before crossing the street rule.  It seemed like no matter how many times I stopped and looked both ways my kid would still try and dart across.  Every one says how teenagers feel like they are immortal and that’s why they do such stupid things.  Toddlers have no concept of death so they do really stupid things.  That’s when I went that extra step with the all fun and games rule.  I had to keep it simple so it would be something that stuck in his/their mind.  So, I said, “You have to look both ways or a car could come and ::clap my hands together and smoosh them around:: It will squish you flat like a pancake.”  Little eyes opened wide, his cute little mouth formed an ‘o’, he looked between my face and my hands and I saw him make the connection.  This was repeated a couple more times and yet again when my youngest came to be.  Which led to many amusing encounters while we were out and about.  It started with roadkill that we passed in the car and my child yelling from the backseat, “Flat ::clap squish hands together:: like a pancake.”  I’d simply nod and tell him that raccon should have indeed looked both ways before crossing.  This led to random encounters with strangers in parking lots.  We would be at the mall and stop to look both ways before crossing from the parking to the sidewalk and my kids would watch people just walk right on across without looking.  This seemed to trouble them and they would yell, “STOP! Flat..::chubby little hands clapped and smooshed around:: like a pancake!”.  Their little speech would earn me startled looks and I’d just shrug and give the “kids, what are you gonna do.” look to them.

I covered the running with scissors with, “It’s all fun and games until you fall and stab yourself in the heart and die.” or “It’s all fun and games until you turn the corner, run into your brother, stab him in the heart and kill him.”  I used the same variation with running around with a pencil gripped in their hands.  I used it when hotwheel tracks were suddenly swords and managed to escape that with only a scratch on a cornea that healed.  (Apparently, Hotwheel track usage as swords can cause someone to really lose an eye) What I never thought to cover was Frisbee usage.  You heard me, Frisbee usage.  Silly me figured that at my kids ages, which is now almost 14 and almost 12, they would know the difference between inside and outside toys.  Apparently not.

So, parents, this is a tidbit for you.  A Frisbee thrown across a room that is 8 X 12 feet never has enough time to slow down so it will not cause damage.  A frisbee thrown in that space reaches a high enough velocity to complety knock out a tooth.  My youngest is living proof.  One lower front tooth, broken in half, right above the level of the root.  Which means that for his 16th birthday, while his schoolmates are getting cars, he gets a root canal.  Apparently, those can’t be done until the mouth has finished growing and all of his molars have come in.

Frisbee – 1

Youngest-0